Everyone is a Diamond

Bruce,

I have been surfing the web for you these past few days, looking for info into your situation that will help me to understand what is going on. I found something that made a lot of sense to me (I found a lot of stuff,) but this is probably something that will help you to be able to say, "OK, so we need to work on this. Let's get started." And then you will probably be on the right road. And we, your family (Mayu and I included - way over here in the other half of the world) will be there for you. It won't be easy, and there will probably be setbacks, but that is what makes life so interesting.

Besides, think of it this way: the problems you are having now, the feelings of worthlessness, depression, suicide, distraught, hopelessness etc. have been probably going off and on for the past 5-10 years at the very most. Probably it all began when you decided to throw yourself teeth-first into the side of a mountain (we all like to do exciting things some times - why do I love riding in the mountains at midnight? - to meet bears - and no sane person would WANT to do that - except me - so I must be crazy, right?) Anyways, back to my topic (see? I can get off topic and distracted just like you). Probably since your problems with Lynn first began. OK, so now you are going to be 32 on Thursday (Happy Birthday, Bro!). Ten out of 32 is a pretty darn big number. One-third of your life you may have been depressed and down. That would be enough for anybody to feel worthless. I sure would if I had been having the stresses you have had. Believe me.

BUT, the human lifespan is about 80 years now. And if you live until 80 or 90 (I plan on living until my 200th birthday, where I will hence die of a terrible cancer due to too much cycling under the sun's deadly rays - but that's a different story - I will read you that one when I see you at Christmas). If you live until 80 or 90, ten of those years is a drop in a bucket. Miniscule compared to the adventures, excitement and love that you can experience over the next 50 years. Think about it. Think of the stories you could tell your family and friends when you are bald, toothless, suffering from severe osteoporosis, senile, blind, arthritic and smelly. They would start with something like this, "I remember when I was a young, 30 year-old moron who thought the world was a shitty place to be in. Heh, heh, heh. I even tried to kill myself once. Boy was I stupid...." and then you could go on and intrigue people with hours and hours of your adventures and tales. And you know what? Probably nobody would listen because they would think you were just too old and senile. But you would know better and would secretly be laughing at everyone younger than you who thought they knew everything, and fell into the same traps that you did 50 years ago - all because they didn't listen to your wisdom of age.

In Christianity, it is fairly common belief that everyone is bad. That in order to go to heaven you have to fix yourself and make yourself good. If that were the case, then why live, right? Right. It doesn't make sense. That is one of the reasons why church never appealed to me, why I intrinsically thought it was "missing the point", why, to Mom's disappointment I quit Sunday School and refused to go to church when I was just a little kid. I saw something then that many people don't see. And I am glad I did.

Darrell used to tell me, "Cam I really like you but I am sorry that I won't be seeing you in Heaven". I used to just laugh at him and tell him it was a stupid idea because I didn't believe in Heaven and Hell anyway therefore it wouldn't matter. I believe in God, or Buddha, or Thor, or The Creator, or Energy or Manna or whatever you want to call it. I believe that something created us, and everything out there. I also believe that we, like animals (as we still are - but often stupider than animals because animals don't kill for fun, nor do they destroy their own world like viruses do - maybe we are closer to viruses than mammals...) were created GOOD. Brilliant. Shining. And that the blankets of life have just weighed us down.

Everyone is born perfect. Everyone is a diamond. Every perfect diamond that comes into this world has an aura of brilliance, a power. Witness the baby who's cry can stop conversations among parents and make the turn their entire attention on the child. That is true power. Even adults don't have that kind of power.

As time goes by, the diamond gets dirty with experience, and age. Blankets get thrown over the diamond and cover the brilliance. Eventually there are so many blankets over the diamond that the aura and power of goodness is no longer seen. And the blankets are so heavy that the diamond suffocates and feels it is in hell.

This diamond is you. It is me. It is Mom and Dad and Konner and Conor, and everyone on this earth. Some people can throw off the blankets and show their aura again by themselves. Some need help.

If the blankets get too heavy, they cause the person to bend at the back, only to look down. All they see is HELL. Everything is bad, everything is dark flames, depression and pain. But if we can take of the blankets, one by one, little by little, time by time, then the load gets lighter and lighter. Eventually the person can stand straight and no longer has to look down to Hell. They can then see the normal world. In time, with help, the muscles can be rebuilt so that the person can stand even straighter. And when they stand even straighter, they can then see Heaven.

And long life is full of trials, tribulations, hell-to-pay, love and all the suffering in the world. We humans do not have an easy life, I will tell you. We seem to be born to suffer. But you know what? That is what makes me so happy to be alive. These experiences are what make me, me. And what make you, you.

Did I ever tell you that Linda (remember her? my first real girlfriend in Grade XII) and I got pregnant on my very first try at sex. Do you remember me being extremely depressed, only wanting to sleep, not talking, walking around with my sword all the time? I thought about suicide then. I was miserable because the mother of the woman I loved hated me, threatened to kill me with her car if she ever saw me. I wasn't allowed to see Linda, or to call her. Eventually Linda started dating another guy I was friends with. That was depressing too. Grade XII was a tough year for me. (she had an abortion so my child was never born).

But one day something hit me. I wanted to live. I wanted to live so badly, and to experience the rest of my long life that nothing would get in my way. I found something, some spark that gave me the desire to love life again. And to that day I have been able to handle all stresses, no matter how terrible they may have been. I can tell myself that nothing is so bad that I won't get over it. I got over Linda, I got over Lisa, I feel good and strong and healthy and happy. I made it out of my blankets.

And you can too. Just slowly peel them away. Come back strong, brilliant and full of life. Life is definitely worth living. I can tell you that, my dear brother. There is nothing sweeter than knowing you can make it through the challenges. Not just beat them but take those damn challenges by their scrawny little neck and shake them until they disintegrate into nothingness. We all have that power, Bruce. I have it. You have it. We all do. Believe me.

I know that life looks especially bleak now and that things look really bad. But I think that it is because those blankets are really heavy on you and all you can see is down. Let's lift the heavy load together because I want to show you a bright, clean, exciting world that you may have forgotten exists.

I love you, my brother.

Cam
1999.11.28