On Thursday, December 10th, as Santa Claus was attempting to catch some fish to sell at the market as supplemental income, he accidentally waded into a pack of hungry piranhas. They mistook his red suit and portly figure for a side of fresh beef and began to gorge on his ample flesh in a feeding frenzy of never-before documented epic proportions. The other three fishermen there made it out of the water with only minor injuries.
"My God it was just horrible!" exclaimed one of the men as he was vainly trying to wipe the blood stains from his jersey.
"The worst thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life", said another who was a decorated Viet Nam veteran. "They were upon the poor guy before he even had a chance to cry a single 'Ho'. I saw a lot of death and destruction back in the jungles of Nam, but this! I don't know if I want to go to sleep tonight."
"If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it. My goodness, is nothing sacred these days?" wept an 87-year-old grandmother.
"Once they got a taste of him they just kept coming and coming. First they ripped the beard right off his face, then they went directly for his crotch and that big butt of his. Next his hat went flying and bits and pieces of flesh would bubble up to the surface, and then disappear again. Finally there was nothing left but a dark red patch of blood on the surface of the water. It was so awesome: even better than the new Nintendo games. I ain't never seen nothing like it before in my life; not even on TV." exclaimed one teenager.
In this day and age of recession, falling markets, cutbacks, heavy restructuring and early forced retirements everyone is feeling the pinch. People are buying less and less and hanging onto their money. Families are spending less on gifts for their kids for birthdays, Christmas, etc. Christmas Inc. had to close down several of its factories, which resulted in many of the worker-elves receiving pink slips.
Our roving reporter was able to get an interview with the spokesman for the Union of Elves who responded with this: "He had it comin' the fat ol faggot did. Livin' high on the hog while we worked our asses off for him day in, day out in the worst possible conditions. And for what? Snowballs! Yer buggered if you work fer 'im and yer buggered if ya don't. I just wish I could have been there to see it. We all do. But what can you do? A job is a job and we all have family to feed so you make do with what ye cn get yer hands on. And Master Nick certainly did his fair shair of ['hands on']. I shouldn't complain too much; we had it way better than them poor reindeer. Always lookin' over their shoulders they was. Never knew when he would slip in unannounced." The reindeer were unavailable for comment.
With the majority of the elves gone, orders for toys dwindling to next to nothing and the books slipping into the red, Santa was forced to look for supplemental income. One employee at Manpower (who will remain nameless) informed us Santa was coming in regularly to his station and constantly looking for work. "He seemed so desperate. I did the best I could and found him something in the chimney sweep industry but well, it isn't that easy when you don't have any marketable skills."
An employee of a trucking firm where Santa had worked briefly said, "We were reluctant to hire him in the beginning but thought that we ought to give him a chance. It was OK for the first week or so but then he got stopped by the police and arrested for drunk driving and lost his license. We just couldn't keep him after that."
Finally "The Jolly Old Elf" ended up working the docks, hoping that he could land a job as a night worker aboard the squid boats. Often he would be seen slinging his nets in those places that other seafarers quickly learned to avoid: the danger zones, as they are known in the industry. "He had guts, that's fer sure", said one old salt through a mouth full of rotten teeth. "And the piranhas got dem guts fer dinner they did! Hardee har har!"
We have just recently learned through speaking to Dr. Bobby Wong, Santa's personal psychiatrist that he had a serious confidence problem to go along with an eating disorder. "Sata worried a lot about what people thought of him and quite often he lacked the confidence to go out in public alone. "Once, many years ago, I gave him a phrase to repeat to himself in order to build his self-confidence. I told him to say, "Ho Ho Ho" (Cantonese for "I'm very very fine") whenever he felt like he was going to lose it. I heard he used it a lot and it seemed to help somewhat. In that I am glad. We will miss him."
Santa Claus may have had his downside, his darkness, but he lit the way for many children around the world and in that will be always remembered. The light that he brought to many a family, the millions of chimneys that he selflessly cleaned his way through will not soon be forgotten.
"The funniest thing about Santa, was that he always hated winter. Never liked the cold. Had low blood pressure and constantly complained about chilblains in his hands and feet. But that never kept him from giving it his all." said Mrs. Claus as she was climbing the stairs of her private Lear jet.
A memorial service will be held on December 25th at the Jolly Old Elf Pub in the Gold Coast, Australia.
"My God it was just horrible!" exclaimed one of the men as he was vainly trying to wipe the blood stains from his jersey.
"The worst thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life", said another who was a decorated Viet Nam veteran. "They were upon the poor guy before he even had a chance to cry a single 'Ho'. I saw a lot of death and destruction back in the jungles of Nam, but this! I don't know if I want to go to sleep tonight."
"If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I wouldn't have believed it. My goodness, is nothing sacred these days?" wept an 87-year-old grandmother.
"Once they got a taste of him they just kept coming and coming. First they ripped the beard right off his face, then they went directly for his crotch and that big butt of his. Next his hat went flying and bits and pieces of flesh would bubble up to the surface, and then disappear again. Finally there was nothing left but a dark red patch of blood on the surface of the water. It was so awesome: even better than the new Nintendo games. I ain't never seen nothing like it before in my life; not even on TV." exclaimed one teenager.
In this day and age of recession, falling markets, cutbacks, heavy restructuring and early forced retirements everyone is feeling the pinch. People are buying less and less and hanging onto their money. Families are spending less on gifts for their kids for birthdays, Christmas, etc. Christmas Inc. had to close down several of its factories, which resulted in many of the worker-elves receiving pink slips.
Our roving reporter was able to get an interview with the spokesman for the Union of Elves who responded with this: "He had it comin' the fat ol faggot did. Livin' high on the hog while we worked our asses off for him day in, day out in the worst possible conditions. And for what? Snowballs! Yer buggered if you work fer 'im and yer buggered if ya don't. I just wish I could have been there to see it. We all do. But what can you do? A job is a job and we all have family to feed so you make do with what ye cn get yer hands on. And Master Nick certainly did his fair shair of ['hands on']. I shouldn't complain too much; we had it way better than them poor reindeer. Always lookin' over their shoulders they was. Never knew when he would slip in unannounced." The reindeer were unavailable for comment.
With the majority of the elves gone, orders for toys dwindling to next to nothing and the books slipping into the red, Santa was forced to look for supplemental income. One employee at Manpower (who will remain nameless) informed us Santa was coming in regularly to his station and constantly looking for work. "He seemed so desperate. I did the best I could and found him something in the chimney sweep industry but well, it isn't that easy when you don't have any marketable skills."
An employee of a trucking firm where Santa had worked briefly said, "We were reluctant to hire him in the beginning but thought that we ought to give him a chance. It was OK for the first week or so but then he got stopped by the police and arrested for drunk driving and lost his license. We just couldn't keep him after that."
Finally "The Jolly Old Elf" ended up working the docks, hoping that he could land a job as a night worker aboard the squid boats. Often he would be seen slinging his nets in those places that other seafarers quickly learned to avoid: the danger zones, as they are known in the industry. "He had guts, that's fer sure", said one old salt through a mouth full of rotten teeth. "And the piranhas got dem guts fer dinner they did! Hardee har har!"
We have just recently learned through speaking to Dr. Bobby Wong, Santa's personal psychiatrist that he had a serious confidence problem to go along with an eating disorder. "Sata worried a lot about what people thought of him and quite often he lacked the confidence to go out in public alone. "Once, many years ago, I gave him a phrase to repeat to himself in order to build his self-confidence. I told him to say, "Ho Ho Ho" (Cantonese for "I'm very very fine") whenever he felt like he was going to lose it. I heard he used it a lot and it seemed to help somewhat. In that I am glad. We will miss him."
Santa Claus may have had his downside, his darkness, but he lit the way for many children around the world and in that will be always remembered. The light that he brought to many a family, the millions of chimneys that he selflessly cleaned his way through will not soon be forgotten.
"The funniest thing about Santa, was that he always hated winter. Never liked the cold. Had low blood pressure and constantly complained about chilblains in his hands and feet. But that never kept him from giving it his all." said Mrs. Claus as she was climbing the stairs of her private Lear jet.
A memorial service will be held on December 25th at the Jolly Old Elf Pub in the Gold Coast, Australia.
No comments:
Post a Comment