My previous two blogs are getting really long (it's my fault!!) I am philosophizing on my own philosophy which can get dangerously wordy when my three brains start doing this simultaneously.
If you missed the first two blogs, you may want to catch up before you read this.
Lost in Translation II: The Takeaway
Oh, and you may want to read the comments because this is in direct response to a most wonderful discussion I am having with Alan now!
I have learned that a lot of real gems get lost in the comment section, jewels that others may want to hold onto for themselves because they turn out to be precious... But often we read the blog, then write a comment, and go... not realizing that a wonderfully thoughtful discussion is going on below...
And in this case it is.... You don't want to miss the extremely astute point that our wonderful friend Alan, has brought up. It concerns the term "phase"...
Here are my thoughts in reply to Alan's most excellent comment, eh.
Alan writes....
"Most of my life, since I was 12 or so, has been nothing but chaotic change... I have felt pushed by the forces of... nature, for lack of a better term, for my entire adult life... even when I fooled myself into thinking I was making decisions, I can look back and see that almost everything was reactionary....
I'd feel sometimes I am addicted to the chaos... I've talked at length with Steph about this... and I crave stability so much.... I want to have something that lasts... is that too much?
I don't want friends I have now to be just a phase in my growth cycle, I guess is what I'm trying to say."
Alan, I used to think exactly like you regarding the term "phase". It gets so ... misused (in my opinion) in the language that it has taken on an almost negative connotation. We use it like that, just like how you describe it! We all do! We use it like that when we see someone doing something we are uncomfortable with... we try to brush it off as a "passing phase", or a temporary discomfort... almost as if we hunker down, bite the bullet, eventually that person will stop doing whatever it is that bothers us and get back on track.
The teenage years are an excellent example of this. So are the shoe-chewing period most dogs go through... or the peeing in the house (how old is Toby, Stefnee? has he actually passed through that phase?) I am just as guilty as anyone else of using it in this way, because that is how I was raised to use it!
Language is totally a social phenomenon and we learn how to use the language based on our social situation. If you grow up with your parents saying FUCK FUCK FUCK all the time, it has absolutely no meaning to it. I didn't. We NEVER used that word in our house so whenever I hear it used aggressively (it's different in a sexual connotation of course, but more social imprinting there, too!), it still makes me cringe... My mom couldn't stand us using the word "piss" and it made her cringe... but to me... nothing.
Excuse me a moment while I go and take a piss....
And then once I started doing these meditations that I passed on to Stefnee this year that she has been doing as well.... something changed. Something BIG changed.
You could say that I transitioned from one important PHASE of my life to another very important PHASE.
Lots of stuff has occurred this year, far more than I've even made mention to on the blogs. But, one very BIG thing that happened is that I had a huge paradigm shift..... Over a teeny little thing.
I came to realize that we ALL look at the word "phase" in a negative way, as if it is something transitory, undesirable that soon will pass as long as we dig in, and hold the fort through the discomfort.
But you know what? I don't see it that way anymore. I have given the word PHASE a totally new, fresh look and I see it completely differently! And that has made a world of difference. That is why I LOVE to use the term "phase" now because I see it in such a positive, spiritually nurturing way.
Let me see if I can explain how I made this massive shift...
- We go through the childhood phase.
- We enter the hormonal growth phase of our teens.
- We become young adults and fresh adults in another phase.
- We enter into, and leave the dating phase because we need to learn about the opposite sex so that we can better interact with 50% of the population.
- We have a school, bookworm education phase to develop our intelligence.
- We have a hard knocks phase in life to get our wisdom.
- We enter the working world phase and take on responsibility, learning how to pay back society through developing our own personal value.
- We usually enter a serious partner phase when we want to settle into a "long term relationship" with them and hopefully grow with them.
- We have children and enter the parental phase where we learn how to stop being selfish and truly give ourselves to our dependents 100% selflessly.
- We have a phase where we outgrow our employer and we need to move on.
- We usually enter a phase in our lives that is very difficult economically, socially, spiritually and this critical phase helps us to grow and understand often the true values of simplicity, as well as a time to help us learn to rely upon our own inner strengths.
- We have a phase in which we really deeply solidify our values, and come to understand why we exist on this planet, in this multiverse.
- We have an aging phase where we need to learn to physically slow down, that we no longer have to do the same things we did when we were young.
- We enter an illness phase where we have to learn humility. Until this point, we have relied upon ourselves, upon our own strength... but we can no longer do that and we NEED others to care for us, just as our parents did when we were infants. This is a hard pill to swallow, but it is a phase that is extremely necessary to make us whole, complete human beings ready for the final phase of life...
- Our physical bodies collapse, and eventually we go through the final phase of death.
And the life cycle renews.
These aren't by any means ALL of the phases... they are just the ones I could think of at this time following a linear timeline fashion, the way my brain likes to work... nicely... neatly...
Do you see how if we miss any of these phases of life, we cannot grow to be better, more loving, caring humans? Do you see how vitally, how critically important PHASES are?
Yes, we could still say it is a "passing phase" and attach that negative, transitory connotation to it... but ... we don't... have to.... We have the ability to choose to see things differently. And we can choose to see the term phase differently so that it doesn't limit us to the negative aspects only.
Now in there.... something I didn't mention.... didn't add to that timeline...
We DO go through phases with people in our lives. They come, they go. We need to look to each and every relationship and find the takeaways from each and every one. Because THEY EXIST. They do. No matter how horrible a relationship we may be in, or may have just gotten out of, we GROW from them, we LEARN from them, we EXPAND spiritually from them. Do you remember my "toothpaste" blog? We never know what we really need or want unless we try.
Now... what often happens is that people don't realize that we MUST go through phases for growth. We cannot NOT grow. Only dead things are not growing. But even after death there are still phases, still transition stages. Everything changes. Everything. And... in the same respect, everything ENDS at some point or another. Everything. There is nothing that lasts forever (except maybe energy which just possibly keeps being recycled as new life forms if you want to believe that NewAge Wackhead Shit - some do, some don't, my beliefs here are inconsequential).
EVERYTHING ENDS. EVERYTHING.
Even wonderful relationships end. Sometimes they end in death. Sometimes they end in divorce, or separation. But they always end.
Your relationship as you have it now with your kids will end. It HAS to end. The current relationship WILL end. That phase will end. It will. There is no doubt about it. And then you will enter a NEW PHASE, a new relationship with them in a way that meets their needs, and yours. See, you simply cannot treat your 35 year old daughter the same way you did when she was 14. It's not possible. She would hate you for it, if you held onto that view of her. And where would that take you, right? It HAS TO CHANGE. IT HAS TO END. And then a new phase WILL begin.
The same is with relationships. We enter a loving marriage with the belief, "until death do us part". But that's nearly impossible because in most cases we have so many growth PHASES to go through that the chances of us still being on the same path 10, 20, 30, 40 years down the road... really isn't all that realistic. This isn't to say it isn't... but during that time, the married couple WILL go through many phases: lovers, partners, parents, no-sex mother and father, couples again, fighters, separators, divorced... or any permutation and combination of those... it happens to everyone. To us all. To you. To me. To Mayu. To ... to everyone. Everything changes. Everything Ends. Everything.
Even relationships that seem wonderful may "have to end". Well, end as in that PHASE, or that particular "style" of the relationship. If it means that to move onto the next growth phase we need to part... or for one of us to grow we must part from the other... then that is the way it must be.
BECAUSE WE CANNOT STOP GROWING. TO STOP GROWTH MEANS TO DIE.
I don't want to die. Do you? Nobody does. Therefore sometimes we have to do what they do in the fishing industry: "catch and release" in order to keep the fishing stock alive and growing for others to catch the bigger fish, or different fish, or just to make sure we don't deplete the fish. We sometimes have to "catch and release". And that is very hard to do. Very hard.
But.... as I am learning this year... through meditation, through spiritual growth, and continual practice, study, learning, and above all CHOOSING TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY... oh, did I mention breathing? I have to fit that in here somewhere too, right?
As I am learning this year... that sometimes in order to keep growing, I need to let go that which I love. And sometimes to let those I love continue to grow, I need to let them g(r)o(w). It is not easy, not easy at all BECAUSE I LOVE THEM, but because I love them it is sometimes necessary.
These people were in my life for a phase. It may have been a year, a decade, a millennium... but there comes a time when we must let go. To grow. And the growth gives more stability. Because stability MUST COME FROM WITHIN, it cannot come from without.
This is why network marketing fails so poorly... they have those huge pep rallies that get everyone all pumped up to go out into the world, sell! Sell!! SELL!!!! and make a bazillion dollars.... But once the external pep talk fades away, once that external pillar is gone back to the high rise office... the inner flame fades, flickers, sputters and burns out. And then the stability collapses.
The only time stability can be sustainable, 100% guaranteed is when we build that stable foundation FROM WITHIN. When we learn to rely upon ourselves for our strength, for our inner love, for our respect, for our help to reach out and give to others... then NOTHING can knock us down. Nothing. Really. Nothing. Not even a Class 5 Hurricane. NOTHING can destroy us.
And this too is a critically important long-term PHASE we must enter for ourselves, for sustainability, to LIVE, to GROW, to LOVE, to LEAVE A LEGACY.
We NEED these phases of life. And sometimes we need to enter the phase of letting go, in order to move a little further into creating our lifelong goal of building that rock-solid foundation from which all of our true-north principles can then emerge, always stable, always focused in the right direction, unwavering.
To me a phase is something that I NEED to grow and to live my life giving my soul to the world to heal, to bring love, life, light and happiness to others. The phase of bringing loved ones close, and the phase of letting loved ones go... in order for everyone to grow... these are all essential phases to our own personal journey through life.
And you know what? I LIKE ... no.. I LOVE how I see this term as a vitally important aspect of my whole package. Without the phases in my life, without those long and short term phases... I cannot grow, I cannot love, I cannot leave a legacy.
So this is how I have come to understand the term "phase".
I love you, Alan!
Cam
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