Yesterday I had a battle with Ego....
I went for the first time in 3 years to wash my car by the little community center in the 'hood here. I used their water. I know I probably shouldn't have, and that thought did cross my mind several times as I was considering, preparing, and doing "the deed". But in the end, I made a decision, a choice that although may not be seen as acceptable by some, was acceptable by me at the time.
Somebody saw me. I think it might have been the opera-singing hot near-seventies jean-wearing, slim wife of the old school teacher across the street who always calls me "gaijin-san" when he gives me vegetables in the summer. She was out there on their veranda taking in laundry and I waved at her and smiled (she nodded back). I didn't think anything of it because we usually say hi, chat, talk to each other. Mayu and I always shovel away the snow from their parking pad because it's heavy and they are not spring chickens... We never say anything, we never tell them, we just.. do it. Because we care about the people around us.
She is the only person I can think of, unless Dickhead's dad next door who saw me walk back to the community center carrying a bucket and sponge "assumed" that I was going there to wash my car. You just cannot see my car or me from our street because you would have to look between houses, through shrubs that are taller than him, and then around the little community center "over there" to even SEE anything. I checked and I couldn't even see anything from this street.
So either he noticed directly somehow or the opera-jeans lady told my neighbour, Dickhead's dad, who is also a very strange person and not all that nice (we always greet them, and more often than not they completely ignore our existence). He called the person who is in charge of looking after our neighbourhood this year (it rotates annually). Luckily that woman is a long-time friend of ours and she walked over and told me I shouldn't be doing it because everyone has to pay for that water. True... this is true... I just thought ONCE I could use a bit of the water that I pay for in my dues,and it is much easier to wash there than it is in our parking pad.
She then told me about how she was baffled that Dickhead's Dad (she doesn't call him that, though she knows of the death threats as her husband is a retired police officer and we wanted them to know... they live just four houses away at the top of the street) knew I was here, and more so, WHY, when she was sure he had to know it was me, why would he call her and say that "SOME UNKNOWN PERSON" was washing HIS car and using the water "illegally"? Why not just say, "Cam is washing...." instead of making it "anonymous nasty"? Well, those of you who live in small towns or villages probably know this mentality ALL TOO WELL.... (I know that Stefnee knows what it feels like living next door to someone that doesn't like you and looks for excuses to "rap your knuckles"... it's NOT a nice feeling especially when you harbour no ill will back... it really ruins the "air" in the neighbourhood...)
I drove my car back around the block to my parking space and walked next door and told Ito-san that it's the first time I've ever used that water. Our friend was there at the time telling him that she responded to the situation and all is OK now and thanking him for bringing it to her attention (its her job this year to deal with community stuff, although she doesn't like him either).
I was feeling a bit aggressive because I was bothered by the way he complained, but I was going to apologize. But when I told him that it was the first time, he said to me in derision that "I am not to be trusted and nobody will believe me that I only did it once."
I almost retorted back, I almost fought back, I almost stabbed back, I almost went in for the kill... it was almost an instantaneous reaction to want to tell him about his son's death threats against me. But I bit my tongue as I realized that those desires to cause pain back to attack back were only my ego attempting to "win" by inflicting "equal or greater harm". My friend saw me, and then she saw me "zip my lip" by running my fingers across my lips in that familiar action, and she nodded her head in agreement. We parted ways.
I'm still kind of spinning this morning, and I did yesterday and in the evening and through the night as I knew I would, but it was most interesting to realize that those thoughts, feelings, emotions welling up inside me WERE NOT ME and when I noted that, and when I perceived that, I was able to stop the EGO and the pain-body (See Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth for reference) from fulfilling their tag team desire to create externally, or internally a hostile environment from which to feed off of and continue to grow.
The meditation CDs I have been breathing to every day for months now, with the book by Tolle, and the Secret of the Ages book as well as The Secret, as well as The Four Agreements that I have all read recently, coupled with the seminar at Mindspring I attended in January, and talking about this stuff with Jenny, Stefnee, Paula, Abby, Sheila and other people in a "circle" if you will, trying to more deeply understand these concepts and how they relate to spirituality, life and living it more fully, more at peace and more PRESENT has really helped me I think. I think that this recent book, A New Earth, has helped me the most by showing the "ego" as a separate entity inside us all that can act upon its own free will without our permission by feeding off past events, past experiences, and future potential occurrences that of course are meaningless because they have not happened.
It is amazing to have times like yesterday where what you read about, and think, "what? separate?" actually happens. To be able to stand apart from myself and see the emotions to fight back and "defend my rights" as being totally egocentric and serving absolutely no purpose at all (especially since his words or beliefs can cause me no physical damage that I need to protect myself from) was quite an eye opener.
After talking with Jenny some about this, and then processing with Stefnee it really helped me to calm further and look at those feelings as being owned by me, being mine, and being in my possession, but at the same time NOT ME. I own my thoughts, my emotions but they do not own me. They are not me. This really is profound and those of you who have had a glimpse into a situation like this will know what I mean. It is stunning to see "two of self" at the same time and not be in some drug-induced state, or lucid dreaming.
Stefnee started an affirmation for me, a mantra and asked me to repeat it with her... And when I started to type it, suddenly MY mantra for the situation came into being. And this is what I shared with self, to help understand me better...
Even though my ego feels it has the need to satisfy it's unmet desire for conflict and justification, I am bigger than that, calmer than that and see it for what it really is. I see up the sleeve of this thing called ego and there is nothing there but empty air. I am strong, I am calm, I am in control and the words that are said to me to harm me are only sound waves that can do absolutely no more harm to me than someone blowing a kiss at me. They are nothing to me and therefore dissipate as soon as they are uttered.
I was going to just let this sit as a private event, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there is a "message" in this event that I need to share with the world, hoping that someone who reads this may have the same wonderful opportunity in the future to "step out of self" and see what those needs to "fight back and defend against personal verbal attack" really are all about: ego striving for survival, and nothing more.
They are not real, they are meaningless and will never ever ever improve the situation. They may give a feeling of "I showed him", but again, that's simply egoic masturbation, or "jerking off the jerk in self". And it serves no purpose other than to cause the ego to be reinforced further to look for those kinds of situations and "act" upon them just so that it can once again be stroked.
It's time to call Masaki and head over to his place for a ride in this gorgeous weather. Yukiyo comes from Tokyo for three days (remember the woman in the flowing red skirt a year ago in my photos and video of a traditional old town?) during the Golden Week. Likely we will enjoy the beautiful May evenings out on the deck and I am sure I will get some more death threats from the second story bedroom window as Dickhead feels we are interrupting his TV game attempts at ... whatevah!
I am in the gap on this one. I am at peace. I am present.
I love you.
Cam
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